A Brief Guide on Bitter Behavior

There are some things you should never, ever do while bitter. All of which I have done. Today.
  1. blog. One should never blog while bitter. Unless your blog is dedicated to being bitter, and then you should be okay. Please be advised, this may result in some unfortunate posts involving The Cranberries.
  2. text. One should never text while bitter. Even (especially) if the recipient is the reason behind your bitterness. Bitter texts always come off as bitchy, and even though the recipient may have, quite possibly, very well deserved a bitter-bitchy text, you will undoubtedly end up regretting that you sent it and become even more bitter over the idea that you just, most likely, ruined a good thing.
  3. update your facebook status. One should never update their facebook status while bitter. Especially if immediately preceded by #2 . Your bitterness could very well be misconstrued as pettiness, which is never good.
  4. grocery shopping. One should never go grocery shopping while bitter. This will result in questionable purchases that try to pass themselves off as appropriate dinner choices. For example (and this is purely hypothetical), black licorice, microwave popcorn and ginger ale (see #6).
  5. spit. One should never spit while bitter. Especially if said spitting involves a fast moving car, an open car window, a wad of gum, and lustrous blond hair blowing in the warm, springtime wind. 
  6. mix a drink. One should never mix a drink while bitter. Especially if one is well aware of the fact that there is no ice in the house. And you have no means of measurement. And it's only 5:00pm. However, if one chooses to integrate the results of #4 into said drink, this could result in some pretty cool effects, thus lightening the severity of your bitterness (see picture below). One should never do #1, #2 or #3 after or while enjoying the result(s) of #6.
  7. shut off your cell phone. One should never shut their cell phone off while bitter. Especially if this is the only means by which others have to get a hold of you, which of course, the laws of nature dictate, will be the time that everyone tries to get a hold of you. Not only will you, once you turn said cell phone back on, find yourself swamped by text messages and voice mail messages, you will also discover an unusual number of messages in your inbox for all three of your email addresses and facebook.
Well, I hope you found these tips helpful. Please enjoy the volcanic fizziness in the pic below while I go and break tip #6... again.

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