What now?

  
I'm having a moment
      of complete
          and utter
                                                                        loneliness.

I'm all dressed up
      with nowhere
          to go.

My companion for the past
      two years
          is done
              and gone.

                                                                     I am alone.

I have no friends.

I have no purpose,
      no meaning,
             no direction

I'm sitting
                                                                            alone
          on a Friday night.

Drinking
                                                                            alone
          on a Friday night.

I am a sorry sight.

I hate you.

 
I really kind of
do.

but you bought
pancake mix
with me in mind

I think
you are
going to
break
my heart

(although you 
kind of
sort of
already did)

Do you believe in love?

The depth of the water frightens me.

I watch as it slips from my hands.

And sinks. Slowly.

It's swallowed by the thick blackness as it sinks deeper and deeper.

Further and further.

Into the cold. Into the night.

And it belongs to me no more.

Bleh. Work.

    

I'm currently employed as a part-time graduate assistant at a university in New York. The pay is shit, but I get health insurance (not that I've had time to take advantage of it, which I'm sure I'll end up regretting when I lose it in a month), and my tuition is waived, which is fabulous. This job is far from glamorous. I spend most of my time holding the hands of lost undergrads and filing paperwork that will never be viewed by another set of human eyes after mine. 

One of the great perks of my job is that I get to work with two of the most wonderfully sane and fabulously competent people EVER! Not really. In reality, Boss Lady and Co-Worker are two of the most obnoxious and annoying individuals I've ever had the honor of being stuck in an closet office with. Boss Lady fancies herself a professional musician and demonstrates her talents to us on a daily basis. She even has a CD of children's songs available for sale. I know this because she made a big deal out of giving me a free copy. I currently use it as a coaster, and no, I haven't listened to it yet.

Co-Worker seems to think of herself as the most talented, gifted and entitled individual on the planet. At least this is how she acts. Every day. The truth is, Co-Worker is a spoiled brat who doesn't have the ambition to complete any tasks unless I repeatedly pester her to. She spends her time at work whining about being broke (she's not, by the way. She's far from destitute. Her parents pay for everything. She's 24 and they still buy her gas for her to drive home once a week to Jersey. Oh, and she's from New Jersey. Did I mention that? Guess I could have started and ended with that.), talking on the phone to her "friends" (I'm not entirely convinced her "friends" aren't just people she stalks, having mistakenly gave her their number once), job searching, and watching YouTube videos. Meanwhile, her undergrads are running around like chickens with their heads cut off because she gives them misinformation, when she chooses to give them any information at all. 

Don't get me wrong. I don't always do the work I should be doing while at work, but if I'm not filing or responding to emails, I'm usually working on my thesis. Plus, we only work 20 hours a week, so I'm pretty sure she can find time between her ski trips to Vermont and her mini-vacations to Long Island to watch viral videos. Oh, and she doesn't work 20 hours a week. She usually gets to work around 11:00 am and cuts out around 2 or 3:00 pm. And she only works 3-4 days a week. Now, I'm no math whiz, but I'm pretty sure with that schedule she's clocking in less than 16 hours a week.

But that's not the point. My point is... she has two job interviews this week. TWO! Someone explain this to me, please. How can a lazy, incompetent, whine-ass get job interviews? I've seen her teach. She sucks. Meanwhile, people like me, experienced, hard-working, fully competent, kick-ass teachers can't get past the first round of the elimination process? She has zero experience in a classroom. I have over ten years of experience (see Miss Weber's Room).

I guess I can take some solace in the fact that her interviews are in Jersey. I haven't applied to jobs in Jersey, so it's not like she's getting interviews for jobs over me. Plus, if she ends up working in Jersey, at least she'll no longer be in New York. Phew.

(This rant was brought to you by a very aggravating day at work)

my memory is a dream

   
you took my picture
and the fish danced in the candlelight

You were there

  
i had a taste of something great
a glimpse at how it could be
and then somehow,
somewhere
it was lost
and I'll never be the same

Plug my ears, plug my heart.

   
As I listen to you speak, I can picture you.
Almost as if I were still right there with you.
I see you.
I see your mannerisms.
I see you shifting in your chair.
I see you rubbing your face.
I hear your voice and I'm transported to your kitchen.
Making coffee.
Making breakfast.
Making laughter.
Making me happy.
I wish I didn't have to listen to you.
It's tortuous.
It's painful.
It's agonizing.
It's lonely.
I wish I didn't have to hear you,
Over
and over
and over
and over again.
It breaks my heart in ways I could never tell you.

What do you do when...

  
... your mind is full, your heart is empty and the whiskey is all gone?

I Should Come with a Warning Label

 (Source)

Last night I was...

   

  
I don't think I like me very much right now.

Thank you...

    
...what a relief.

I can breathe again,
and it makes me smile.

Today I am...

     

(I know the truth)

               
There were lighters
and snakes on picnic tables

I wanted them all
but only grabbed one

and then you disappeared

Dream talk...

   
If you erase my face
I'll put your name in bold

You don't know me

    

I am the girl you don't remember

the girl you all forgot

My name is inconsequential

and will never cross your lips

My face is just a shadow

a ghost that crossed your view

Even as you see me

I'll fade before you do

Once there was a moment

when I brushed upon your notice

You turned in my direction

and felt my breath upon your skin

No sooner had you sensed me

then you turned into the sun

And the shadow of my being 

disappeared into the wind

I linger in every whisper

but your ears will never hear

Your mind will never think of me

and your heart will never show

I'll forever be forgotten

the girl you won't remember

When I wilt away forever

you'll never even know

I quit

I'm tired
I'm cranky
I can't stop thinking about things totally off-topic and traumatic

My stomach is growling
My joints ache
My eyes burn

I need a vacation
...far, far away.

(and I can't stop thinking about you. You suck)

And I lack desire

The smell of your skin lingers on me now...

     

Why is it...

    
... that only those with kids have the right to be truly exhausted? I don't have kids, but I know how it feels to be truly and utterly exhausted. I don't have to have kids to know what it feels like to have only 3-4 hours of sleep at night. I don't have to have kids to know what it feels like to run around all day and not have a moment of peace to yourself. The big difference, in my opinion, is that I don't complain about it EVERY SINGLE DAY!

... that only the unemployed have the right to complain about being broke? I'm not unemployed, but I sometimes think I would be better off if I were. I work part-time, bring home $125/week, have a car payment, rent, student loans, car insurance and living expenses to worry about. Yet, because I'm educated and working part-time, this makes me better off than someone who is unemployed. Someone explain that one to me. By no means am I independent. By no means can I afford to live. By no means do I want to live off of someone else's generosity. I'm broke. Dead broke. Probably more broke than the unemployed who collect unemployment or other government assistance. The big difference, in my opinion, is that I don't complain about it EVERY SINGLE DAY!

... that I have to be a high school drop-out with three kids at home in order to get a waitressing job? I've applied to about 15 waitressing jobs over the past 6 months and have been turned down for every single one of them. It seems that as soon as they see I have a Bachelors degree, I'm working on my Masters and I'm a certified teacher, they conclude that I'm either over-qualifed or I don't need the job as much as the other applicant, a single-mother living at home with her parents. If I didn't need the job, I wouldn't have applied for it. My life is hard too. I suffer too. The big difference, in my opinion, is that I don't complan about it EVERY SINGLE DAY!

... that people don't take responsibility for where they are in life? I take full responsibility for where I am in life. I know that my actions and decisions are the sole reason for my current life situation. I don't blame anyone else. I don't feel like anyone owes me anything or that I am entitled to anything. I know that I can accomplish things with hard work and dedication. So why do other people blame others for their shitty life? Why do others feel they are owed things in life without hard work? And, of course, why do they have to complain about it EVERY SINGLE DAY!